MANners

What the hell? MANners? That's ridiculous. Why on earth are they called MANners when men seem to be morally and ethically opposed to using them?

"All men?" you ask.

Probably. I haven't actually met every single man alive, but I can safely say that I know enough men to feel comfortable announcing that they are mannerless.

Let's talk manners:

1- Say please and thank you. Excuse me. I'm sorry.

2- Take responsibility for your words and your actions.

3- Clean up after yourself- in your home, your workplace, your world.

4- Treat others as you wish to be treated.

5- Don't rush into judgment or jump to conclusions.

6- Respect differing opinions.

Now let's talk MANners. Today's test subjects are my three grown brothers, my husband, and several friends. I'm not saying who is who because someone may someday read this and then they'll be all offended because truth hurts and I'll have to explain that to them, but they'll be all irritable anyway and they won't accept that it's probably true and then it'll be all about me being bitchy. Let's not go that route.

MANners:

1- Say please and thank you. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Say nothing. Ever. Make demands if you think you can get away with it. I'm sorry is a foreign language- use it never. You are MAN, there is no need to apologize, ever. Please is for suckers. Thank you? Hell no- everything you have is fucking DESERVED! Excuse me? WTF is that even for? If you're in the way I'll move you. If I fart, that's just awesome.

2- Take responsibility for your words and your actions. Take what now?

3- Clean up after yourself- in your home, your workplace, your world. Clean? Did you just call me a bitch? I LIKE those socks on the floor. That's where I think they should belong. Yes, in fact I DO know where the garbage can is located, I just don't give a damn. My car isn't diry, it's perfect- shut up or get out.

4- Treat others as you wish to be treated. If they were as purely manly awesome as I am, I would.

5- Don't rush into judgment or jump to conclusions. My opinion is fact. I can rush to fact all I want. Have you seen that guy's hair? He had to be told it was ridiculous. Hey, I was doing him a favor. If you don't like my opinions, you don't have to talk to me.

6- Respect differing opinions. Re-what?!? Differing... no. Abso-fucking-lutely not. If your opinion is differing, it's obviously WRONG. That's what differing actually means, you know- WRONG. So shut your face.

I hear stories about men that help out around the house. I hear about men who clean up after not only themselves, but their offspring too. I hear tales of men who offer help, give help, like to help.

Of course, I've heard of Sleeping Beauty too and that chick clearly isn't living in my world. Wait for a man to save you? Good luck with that... hope it's not football season.

So since I've decided that men with manners are a myth (right up there with Bigfoot, Nessie, and women who just love strip clubs) I have to assume that mannerless is acceptable. Because, you know... we have men all over the place, being all mannerless and whatnot. So I've decided to try being mannerless in my own day to day activities. Here's how that would go-

Mom at PTA meeting: Well, I just think it might be better for the children if they were able to have a little fun while they raise money. So I'm suggesting an American Idol type of event.

Me: You're a fucking nutjob, you know that? First of all, you want that type of event because your maniacal little brat has been forced to endure years of singing lessons as she tries desperately to give you the experiences you failed at as a child yourself, so you have an unfair advantage. Second, that event is only fun for you Attention Whore types who need to have a spotlight at all times. Some kids actually like to play- you know, like a sport or game or something. Some kids don't need all the lights and applause to feel worthwhile. Maybe you should shut the hell up with your "opinion".

*Coworker at the staff fridge.*

Me: *shove* Hey, watch out now! When this chick is hungry it's best to just move from my path. Ha ha ha ha! Aw, suck it up, you'll be fine, princess.

*Police officer ticketing me for littering.*

Me: What. The. Hell. I pay you to defend and protect and serve ME. What are you doing? Saving me from trash? I'm pretty sure I can hold my own against a candy wrapper. I put it here on the street to let people know that I tried it, I liked it, and they should try one too. Clean it up? Do you see an apron on me?

So after I get thrown out of all school functions, fired from my job, and arrested for being a bitch in the general direction of a police officer, I think we can call this experiment a success, don't you?

No?

Not a successful story if it ends in social disgrace, unemployment, and possible jail time?

Huh...

Then why are they called MANners?