I'm a mess. Or, I was a mess. I had an emotional breakdown of sorts and I'm feeling much better now. And by much better, I mean of course- much angrier. But that's good. I should be angry. I deserve to be angry. I have earned this right. And while I have some boundaries (admittedly, not many) I am going to put it all right here- who deserves my wrath and why. Because, well... they suck.
First at bat... the ex husband. The father of my oldest child:
"Thomas- You are fucking up your life and the emotional well being of your daughter. Congratulations on that, you gigantic effing moron. You think you can run around being a perpetual teenager, ignoring your responsibilities, playing best friend to a daughter who needs a father and you're having a great time of it, aren't you? Well fucking hooray for you. Meanwhile that "toy" that is actually a human being sits at home wondering why you won't return her calls, wondering why you won't call from the hospital to say you're okay, wondering why your car is outside but you haven't come to visit. And WTF am I supposed to do? You expect me to stand up for you, defend you, lie for you? Fuck you- those days are long over. I will not turn this into the battle you want it to be. I will not become the person you tell everyone I am. I will not fight you on this. You have chosen to be this despicable kind of father, so you can live with it. But one day, asshole... one day she will stop thinking you're the coolest shit. One day her dreamy ideal of who you are will break and fragment and she will be left only with the reality of the selfish prick that you are. And on that day, you colossal assfuck... I will say nothing. I will let her look at you with her broken eyes and her broken heart. I will let her say the things to you that should have been said all along. I will do NOT ONE THING to ease her anger. Because you deserve it. And because she is entitled to it. And then I will take her home and nurse her heart back to health. Like a fucking parent should do.
And then, just maybe, I will set the brothers loose on you and pray that the doctors are incompetent morons.
But until that day, you just stay the fuck away from me and keep my name out of your fucked up mouth. You have this ONE last chance to redeem yourself into some semblance of a decent human being. And while I, personally, hope you miss it and end up dead in a dark alley.... for her sake, I hope you wise the fuck up and get a damn clue."
Oh, shut up, it's fucking beautiful. Poetic, even.
Wait, there's more. Yeah... I'm a bitter little person today.
To the coworkers:
"So... You dislike your peer? You've told your boss you don't like her, you've complained loudly about shit that is none of your business just because you can. Way to go. But then... you did more. You dumb fucking morons, you took it too far. You went to the board?!? Really?!? You don't like your peer, you told your boss and when she wouldn't fire that person because of your damn personal feelings, you went to the board and told them your boss was ineffective. You're a bunch of imbeciles, you know that? What did you expect to accomplish? Did you expect that the board would order your boss to fire that person you don't like? You did?? You can't be serious... but, alas, you are.
Well guess what. That was NOT the decision reached by the board. I happen to have some inside information. Yeah- your stupid stunt did not accomplish what you had hoped. What your stupid, petty, childish ploy DID achieve was this- the board has decided to let your boss go. Yeah, you didn't see that coming, did you? You fucking morons. Now the ONE person who *almost* always had your back is gone. The person who got this organization from "about to sink" to actually viable, the person who fought for YOUR rights as employees, the person who grew your programs and gave you the freedom to pursue your pipe-dream goals... you just got her fired. Congrats on that.
Oh, what? You didn't expect that? That wasn't what you wanted? Well too fucking bad. It's too late you spoiled little brats. This is what happens when you get too fucking hot headed and full of yourselves. Now what are you going to do? Nothing, that's what. You played a power game and you won. Maybe next time you'll verify the prize first. Me? I'm jumping ship."
I'm ever so slightly pissed about THAT whole deal.
Still more. You didn't seriously think that was all, did you? Huh. You must not know me very well.
To my sister-in-law:
"You suck. Mostly because you are a slutty little thing, stepping out on my brother. And partly because you are dragging your kids (his kids, my niece and nephew) through a shitstorm that will only get worse. And in large part because you refuse to even acknowledge that shitstorm, you buffoon. But the biggest reason that you completely and utterly suck is this- you don't get it. You honestly don't get it. You are fucking clueless and insanely naive and because of this it is very difficult for me to hate you. Do you have any idea how irritating that is?
To my youngest daughter:
"For the love of all that is good in this world would you please just STOP?!? You're like a little hurricane blasting through my world every. damn. day. destroying everything in your path, wreaking havoc, instigating, provoking, harassing. And then you smile like an angel and I want to both cuddle and throttle you and I simply cannot take it. Stop being five. Just stop it."
And to my husband. Record this date in history- you won't see this often:
"Thank you. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for taking my keys, for holding me, for letting me cry. Thank you for being exactly who I needed, exactly when I needed it. Thank you."
So there it is. I have purged and you are the lucky recipients. You're welcome.
Sadly, today- it really was that serious.