Tuesday, April 5, 2011

This is why parents drink.

See this?

Do not be deceived.
 This, pictured above, is The Terrible Twosome. Why the combined forces of their spirits do not immediately render a free-floating danger sign above their thick noggins is beyond me. As it stands, though, you are left to assume these are typical five year olds, ready and eager to charm you.

You would be very wrong.

The Terrible Twosome consists of my daughter, Taryn, and my nephew, Kavan. They are eight months apart in age, sent to earth by the powers that be to destroy my sanity.

Shut up, it's true.

Today they are playing at my house. And by playing, I of course mean breaking shit, screaming, and running around like the heathens they are.

And then I gave them pie. Which is synonymous with "I gave them weapons of mass destruction and challenged them to a cage match".

Kavan stuck his fork in Taryn's eye. She began screaming "Kavan! I am NOT food!!" over and over and over and... yeah. He simply stated "Well, I meant to say sorry" and went on his way. Taryn screamed about how she had been stabbed. Kavan thought perhaps it was more of a scratch than a stab. They discussed, in very high decibels.

I told them they were no longer allowed to speak.

Which only served to unify their powers against a common enemy- me.

They are in the next room now. I can hear them discussing things. Plotting things.

"Will your mom be mad if we jump off the couch?".... "Maybe. So we should jump real quiet.".... "Will she be mad if we jump off the couch and onto the table?" ... "Let's just not tell her." .... "But I want her to be mad and yell at us." .... "Why?" .... "Because when she yells at us, then she leaves to go get coffee and then we can get the cat and put him in the bag and take him into the cave." .... "Okay. I'll jump."

And she did.

She jumped.

And then she jumped again.

And then she came and told me she was jumping off the couch because I wasn't responding appropriately. Which Kavan interpreted as her telling on him, so he started to cry. Taryn tried to explain, he yelled at her. She is now in sobbing hysterics and he is slapping himself in the face and I am out of Kahlua and it is most certainly time to take Kavan home and send Taryn to bed. Or Egypt. Whatever.


  1. I am not laughing at your pain, I swear. **I'm lying**

  2. LOL Sorry, I tried not to, but I can't help myself.